The days are flying by, and as I go to erase the previous number on the whiteboard in our kitchen each day and change it to a number closer to our departure date...I can't help but reflect on the journey we have gone through over the past two and a half years. It feels like yesterday my husband and I were standing out in the cold December air, waving good bye to the Ontario sign as we took a leap of faith and ventured out west to Calgary Alberta. As we drove further and further away from everything we knew, loved, and thought we would always have...the familiarities and comforts I had always clung to were no longer within my grasp. As they continued to fade in the rear view mirror, I became more fully aware that I wasn't able to turn back. There were moments when it felt as though I were living a dream...and when I woke up I would be back, back where all was well and life was....simple.
I'm not sure if you've ever felt home sick before, but the way I would describe the feeling is like a churning in your stomach that lingers for days and days. It is accompanied by a permanent frog in your throat ready to release a floodgate of tears..and anything that reminds you of home quickly triggers the tears at which point are inconsolable. To say I experienced an intense bout of homesickness would be an understatement!
I think we have all been through times in our life that have evoked intense feelings of sadness, helplessness, or despair. I think during these times whether they are provoked by a loss of some kind, an undesired change, or just a deep feeling of uncertainty, they tend to feel so absolute and final. It is as though we temporarily loose sight of the larger picture in our lives and allow ourselves to feel the true depths and gravity of the circumstance. From what I have come to know for myself and those experiences, is that they are usually the times when we do the most growing, and gain the most insight into who we are and why we are here.
Now, in the midst of those moments it is nearly impossible to see through your tears and grief to a time when you will be looking back smiling...thanking God that you were able to experience this event or circumstance. I think that is the whole reason we must go through these types of experiences in life. I believe growth happens when we have no where to turn but inwards...into a part of yourself that you may not have known was there before, you find more, you look beyond that place you normally look...desperately trying to find strength. Then you get honest with yourself. You cannot do this alone...and we are not alone.
There is something bigger than ourselves, and when we can surrender to that truth, and start asking ourselves how we could have ever believed we would have the strength, knowledge, wisdom or power to navigate through life on our own without the source of all truth guiding our steps...that is when everything in this life starts to finally make sense.
So here we are...on the other side of our difficult circumstances...smiling, stronger, and full of gratitude. How is it that we can be grateful? Because we see the value in connecting with our inner strength, it brings us closer to who we really are. I like to say, its not that we should be looking up...its that we should be looking IN...that is where it was, is and always will be.
Since making the decision to move back to Ontario, and closing this chapter in our lives...I have been overwhelmed with so many "full circle" moments in which I am overcome by thankfulness that I had the opportunity for such an experience. The true depth of growth and insight I have gained by this adventure I may never fully comprehend, but what I do know for sure is that everything, I mean EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
